When Church Members Leave (Pt 2)
People are going to leave your church. This is a reality that every pastor has to face. It doesn’t matter how dynamic a preacher you are. It doesn’t matter how deep a Bible teacher you are. It doesn’t matter how funny or likable you are. It doesn’t matter how genuine and sincere you are. It doesn’t matter how amazing your church is. You will not keep everybody! Jesus didn’t, nor did His disciples.
Through 30 years I unintentionally planted some new churches with disgruntled church members. We never endured a true church split, but I had my share of church members leave the church over the years.
People come and people go. While every pastor knows this to be true, it doesn’t change the fact that it HURTS! It is always painful, especially for the pastor. You love people so much, but sometimes there are circumstances beyond your control.
Last week we examined the number one reason people leave the church – hurt feelings. But let’s consider a second reason that people leave.
Church members leave because they don’t trust the leadership.
First, let me just say, there may be times when this is warranted. For example, if leadership refuses to answer legitimate concerns and questions from members. As leaders, we are accountable to our flock. We are not kings; we are servants! We are never so “big” that we can dodge questions or hide behind our board or staff. We have a responsibility to answer any and all questions and give reasons for the decisions that we make.
Before I was a candidate to be voted on as pastor, I remember being grilled for hours with questions during a question and answer time. I did not resent this because I knew this decision could affect the next 30 years of the church. So I took every question and answered them publicly as honestly and sincerely as I could. I stayed for as long as the last person stayed. I knew I would be setting the tone for my future ministry. I wanted it to be one of honesty and transparency. I had nothing to hide! If they heard my answers and didn’t like them, it was best to find out up front!
When I pastored I tried to maintain that same transparency. I felt that no question was off limits. I encouraged questions. When we fail to answer questions and give good reasons for our decisions, this creates great distrust among the people. And distrust will spread like wildfire if questions and concerns are not addressed clearly and forthrightly. And people will begin to flee the church.
But many times there is distrust of leadership due to gossip. This happens when people have issues with the leadership but do not talk directly to the leaders. Instead they talk to others. People hate to be alone. There is comfort in numbers and as they say, “misery loves company.” So people want to spread their distrust and unhappiness to others. Through the years, I have seen perfectly happy church members become very unhappy simply due to the untamed tongue of another church member. That member has become disenchanted with the leadership and wants others to be disenchanted with them.
Isn’t it amazing when church members or multiple staff all “happen” to get unhappy with the pastor at the same time? Is it a mere coincidence or do you think some inappropriate conversations may have taken place? Gossip is extremely destructive. Gossip is similar to people throwing lighted matches all over the church. When people like this finally leave, what do you do as a pastor?
I never made it a practice to chase after members that leave the church for this reason. If a member comes to me personally with legitimate concerns, of course, we will seek to work through these issues and resolve them. But if they have an inner distrust for the leadership due to gossip, they are usually unsalvageable. People who love gossip and drama are usually not interested in truth. You are better off to let these kinds of people go. It is better for you and for the spiritual health of the church.
I actually had many members return to the church that had left due to gossip. They realized they had been used by other disgruntled people and the grass was not greener somewhere else. I always welcomed them back into the fold. The verse is so true that says, “He that answers a matter before he hears it, it is a folly and shame to him.” People that make decisions before hearing both sides usually make very poor choices. But hopefully they realize it and seek to make things right.
When a church member leaves due to a distrust of leadership, search yourself first. Was there something you did that caused this distrust? Did you not keep your word? Did you refuse to answer questions? Did you do things that were unethical or dishonest? If you are certain that your actions and heart were right, and if they distrust you due to preconceived ideas or gossip, then it is best to let them go. Staying in a church where you distrust the leader is counter-productive for everyone!