When Church Members Leave (Pt. 3)
As pastors, we identify deeply with our ministry and our people. People are our ministry! Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.” For the pastor, this is a very personal and intimate thing. You are feeding them each week spiritually, praying for them when they are sick or hurting, being there for them in their times of greatest need, and rejoicing with them during times of victory and celebration. Pastors literally pour their souls out to their people. Because of this, when a church member leaves, it feels like a divorce. It is very hard to not view it as a rejection of yourself personally.
I pastored the same church for 30 years. I performed marriages for people that I had seen born and grow up in our church. There were people that left our church that I thought would never leave. But they did! And it hurts!
In this series of blogs we have been seeking to understand why church members leave our church. How do we deal with it? How can we prevent it? In our two previous blogs we examined two reasons that church members leave:
- Church members leave because their feelings got hurt.
- Church members leave because they don’t trust the leadership.
Let’s examine a third reason…
Church members leave because they never got connected.
I know this is a bit humbling to those of us who are pastors, but allow me to share a truth with you that I learned throughout my years of pastoring. Most people don’t decide to go to a church because they want to hear a good sermon. They decide to visit a church because they want a good friend. They are looking for healthy, life-giving relationships.
Maybe they are new to the area and have no friends at all. Maybe they have the wrong kind of friends and they know they need a newer, healthier friend group. Maybe they are newly married and are looking for other married friends. Maybe it’s a college student looking for other college age friends. Maybe it is a lonely teen-ager looking for somewhere to fit in.
If a new church member hasn’t made a friend within 6 months of joining the church, they will most likely be gone. They will look for another church. It doesn’t matter how much they enjoy the pastor’s teaching and love the worship on Sundays. I know this is a tough pill to swallow for pastors, but it’s true.
Don’t misunderstand me, the pastor is very important. If the pastor doesn’t have the gift of teaching and doesn’t connect well with people from the platform, the majority of guests will typically not return. But let’s assume that he is a great, inspirational communicator and teacher. This may bring people to the church for a first visit, and may even bring them back for a second visit, and may even lead them to join the church. But it won’t typically keep people at the church long term. Without forming positive relationships, they will eventually disappear. Close, life-giving friendships are a very strong glue that keeps members connected to a local church.
Through the years I saw the following scenario happen many times. A guest will visit the church and they love it! They are learning the Bible and love the worship. They even attend our membership class and actually join the church. They can’t say enough wonderful things about their new church home and their new pastor. But 6 months later we notice that we haven’t seen them in church for several weeks. We call and inquire. To our amazement and shock, they are looking for a new church home!
Almost 100% of the time there is a common denominator in these situations – they never made a friend. People may have greeted them and shook their hand on Sunday, but they never truly made a friendship connection with somebody. There is a big difference between a friendly church and a church where you can easily make friends. Some churches are careful to have friendly greeters and may even have a “forced” fellowship time in the service (I don’t recommend this), but for a new person to break through the cliques and actually make a true friend is very, very difficult. People are not really looking for a friendly greeting and handshake (although that is great). They are looking for true, genuine friendships.
Obviously the pastor and his wife cannot be in a close friendship with every person who comes into the church body, so therefore you must establish systems that will encourage and enable relationships to be easily formed. Of course, small groups are the most common structure and are probably the most effective. Right behind this would be getting people involved in serving in an area of ministry. If new members will either get involved in a small group or begin serving in a ministry (or preferably both), it increases the likelihood that they will make friends and find those needed relationships that will serve as glue in keeping them connected to the local church body.
How do you get back a person who left your church due to never getting connected? You probably don’t! Unfortunately, in my experience, it is next to impossible to get them to return. So, let’s endeavor to not only have friendly churches, but churches where people can easily make a friend!